I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
