Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
