She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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