My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
