and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
