It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
