the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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