I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
