in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
