Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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