i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
