Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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