I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
