see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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