What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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