I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
