That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
