There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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