I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
