My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
