Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
