My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
