On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
