So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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