I need to stop coming to work sober
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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