you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
