last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
