I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
