I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
