Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
