Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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