when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
