dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
sex in a hospital.. check
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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