you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
