I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Who died my cat blue again?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I currently don't understand fingers.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
