Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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