I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
