my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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