remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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