i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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