tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
