maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
