you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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