woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
