if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
