I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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