i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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