he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
