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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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