it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
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