so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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