ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
