There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
