You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i wish my penis had a tongue
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
