i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
